and so much not to say. and since i’ve been obsessed with lists, here’s a ranting list of the past 5 days.
first ever traditional thanksgiving in binghamton. and i understand why people are so in love with thanksgiving. it’s a holiday that i am now enamored with.
first ever christmas tree. for the first time in my life, i assembled a christmas tree. and decorated it. surrounded by people i adored. it was quite fulfilling.
realized that i need to expand my horizons. experienced denny’s. and walmart. and arby’s. and olive garden. yeah, i did a lot of eating.
really really realized how unamerican my family is. not that we don’t have pride for being american. i just realized that all the stuff that people grow up with, the holiday stuff, around this time of year. yeah, never experienced that and now that i have, i am going to hate going back to my house.
spent a week with bren and didn’t get tired of him. i guess that says something about our relationship.
speaking of relationshipsss. i realized i’m staying out of them. i need to end what i started and then stop doing what i’m doing now. this whole fear of winding up alone? fuck it. i’m done. i don’t need to be in a relationship to feel secure. i realized that. time to break the news?
i ACTUALLY can hold my liquor, since i wasn’t the one passed out on the pool table, in bren’s living room or in his bed.
futons can suck my dick.
my parents are smarter than i give them credit for.
i fell in love this weekend and i never want to let it go. and even though it was romantic and i will never ever forget the cold air, the random cruising down the streets, the 3am mcdonald’s runs and the verbal abuse, i have to come to terms that what you want isn’t what i want.
class from 3 to 6, dinner, then class from 7 to 9.
then studying for anthro test until later.
anthro test tomorrow.
THEN I’M DONE. and i can just hang out until i get to experience my first ever REAL thanksgiving. i mean thanksgiving was never a big deal in my house, so i’m excited to be spending it in binghamton, and i know bren’s family makes a big deal about it. so let’s get it going. i am so pumped.
college is giving me an identity crisis. last night was one of my first run-ins with campus police and i’m not afraid to say that i’m fucking terrified. campus security goes in, excuse the brooklyn slang. the cop was really nice, but just the vulnerable position i was in, i could’ve lost my scholarship.
it’s a really big rude awakening. not to say that i’m going to stop doing what i’m doing. but moderation is for the best. don’t want to turn into those people from high school that we all still make fun of.
but what that did make me realize was that i do have some of the best friends in the world. honestly. not even going to lie, it was heartbreaking to see how worried and supportive they were. i am so glad that i picked new paltz. it might not be ivy league status, obama might not have been here, it might not be the prettiest and it sure as hell isn’t full of the smartest people in the world. not to say we’re dumb. but the environment here is perfect for me to mold myself around. i honestly met some people that i already know are going to be invited to my wedding, and it’s amazing.
sometimes it makes me cry when i see how blessed and lucky i am. but i think i cried enough last night to last me a lifetime.
if i had all the money in the world, i would just go to college for the rest of my life. rotate all around the world, attending different colleges, learning all this stuff that i knew was out there, but never could touch until now, until today.
know where to channel their emotions and can deal with them. and then there are girls like me, who eat their emotions.
anxious? hershey’s kisses. irritated? hershey’s kisses. homesick? hershey’s kisses. it’s a problem. obviously. i’ve been avoiding the gym because i know that it would mean that i’m supposed to be there. it would be so much easier if i lived in bliss, which is right next to the gym. i feel like then, the gym would be like. COME HEREE. and i would go. but the walk from bouton to the gym itself is a workout. so that’d be a no. and it’s cold out. i already feel the cabin fever setting in. i don’t want to go outside, because it’s brick out there, but i don’t want to be in this room all day. i’m getting really sick of this room.
thank god that thanksgiving is a week away. i am dying on the inside. i need some real food. something that won’t make me want to slowly kill myself.
and dalton has had such an obscure influence on my musical taste. the surge of country music in my life is also making me slowly suicidal.
Well I’ll never forget the first time that I heard
That pretty mouth say that dirty word
And I can’t even remember now what she backed my truck into
But she covered her mouth and her face got red
And she just looked so darn cute
That I couldn’t even act like I was mad
Yeah I live for little moments like that
Well that’s just like last year on my birthday
She lost all track of time and burnt the cake
And every smoke detector in the house was goin’ off
And she was just about to cry until I took her in my arms
And I tried not to let her see me laugh
…gone back to writing. i guess it’s because the slam team is such a big thing on campus. i don’t know though. i feel like my poetry is so different from everyone else’s and that might mean it’s not as good. i have no idea if i even want to share myself like that. my poetry is personal and intense. putting it out there is like putting myself out there. and i’m not sure if i want to do that. but it’s COLLEGE. isn’t the whole idea about putting yourself out there?
something i love, especially in my music, is ethnic diversity. this song is the cheapmunks and i’ve been constantly playing it for the past 20 minutes. they mash up hollywood hits with bollywood hits and they actually sound pretty decent. i like them, i just feel they need a little bit more refinement. it might also have to do with the fact that they’re pakistani and i’m under the impression that pakistani musicans needs conscious music that advocates for themselves and their country. there is too much going on in our own backyards in pakistan to simply stick to conventional music. then again,that’s just me. i guess, since i’ve been personally affected by 9/11 and the war on terror, that it’s bigger to me than it would be to a youth growing up in islamabad. but then again, it shouldn’t be. because they’re in the heart of it. then again, it’s music. music is an escape and it’s used to withdraw from the constant war and struggle in that part of the world.
okay, my ramble is over. great song, even if you don’t speak the language.
…to have screwed over/been screwed over so many guys. i love her to bits, but i’m beginning to wonder how many more of these songs she can write. after all, how many guys pass through her life and she’s like 21? just sayinggg.
i’ve realized how whiny you are, how different you get around her, how inconsiderate you become and how unlike YOU you really are when you’re there. or maybe you’re just putting up a front for us. we know you’re going to wind up there anyway, you said so yourself. so why make bonds that you know you’ll never keep. why have syd like you, why have people confide in you WHEN YOU HAVE EVERY goddamn intention of leaving.