“You love someone, you open yourself up suffering, that’s the sad truth. Maybe they’ll break your heart, maybe you’ll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. That’s the burden.Like wings they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly…”— Bones (via quote-book)
so new york city decided to slack on the snow cleanup. as far as i’m concerned, this has never happened before. our street hasn’t been plowed ONCE. not once. and it’s day two, bordering on day three after the storm. this is serious.
the trains aren’t running. neither are the buses. streets are littered with cars because people leave, get trapped and then can’t get out. firetrucks, ambulances and other emergency vehicles can’t get in. or out. the shelves in stores are empty. we’re running out of bagels. everything is more expensive, including shovels which are going for about $20 a piece.
i’ve been home for 168 hours now. and i have yet to go outside. and i had plans today. and tomorrow. everything is being pushed back, since NO ONE CAN GET ANYWHERE. the fuck. someone better get everything up and running by friday. because if i can’t leave my house in 3 days, i’m going to flip shit.
i love winter. but it should be illegal for it to snow more than a foot when i’m in brooklyn.
and i don’t want to hear another christmas song for a whole year. christmas music after christmas is depressing.
on to other news. being home. well. in a way, it’s still a pain in the ass. and it’s not even the whole being in this house. it’s nights. i don’t know what it is, but everytime i’m back at home. i can’t sleep. the insomnia that always comes with being home is kicking in again. i can’t sleep. i’m devouring books, because if i’m going to stay up all night, i’m getting lost in someone else’s life. not sitting here thinking about everything that’s happened and what could happen, what should happen. because i remember a few years ago when i could never go to sleep because all i did was stay up and overthink things. the way i coped with it was by sneaking out. but now it’s cold. and i don’t want to sneak out. i want to sleep.
it was easier to cope with the semi-insomnia at new paltz. because someone else was always up. someone in shango was high out of their minds, providing adequate entertainment. bret and i watched countless movies, devouring bags of chips like no tomorrow. bren and i went for long pointless walks where we just circled campus. and there was always nicotine. which i think is what i miss the most.
and now i want to go back. wayy back. back to a few weeks ago. when i didn’t even know what i was missing. but now that i do know what i’m missing, what i COULD, what i should be doing right now. it’s all i can think about. and it’s driving me freaking crazy.
…is the ability to just lose myself in a good book. i missed that. that’s one thing. haha. probably one of the three things.
in np i’m always out, doing something, in scudder, going for a walk, at the muddy cup, whatever. but maybe being forced to stay home comes with it’s own merits. i’ve been craving a good book for a while and i really want to read the one brooke lent me so i can get it back to her.
so i’m about to go lose myself in someone else’s life. since my life has suddenly become stagnant.
my dad will be here. with his car. to put my month’s worth of clothing. and shoes. and we’ll be on our way back to brooklyn.
back to. dramatic family entanglements. back to crazy bitches, back to everything that i ran from. jesus christ, it’s like walking into the bear’s mouth. no need to come hunting for me. i’m right hurr. fuck.
so there’s that. but then there’s the whole. i get to see my city. the tree, the subway, the gum-littered sidewalk, the random street corners where i have more memories than i care to remember. back to the people, places and things that i grew up with. the people who know me and know why i have to be home before dark. why i have to hide behind the facade that they’ve all come to know me as.
between the pros and cons there’s a sense of fear that things will change. i’ve never been more nervous to go home. if you can call it that. because although brooklyn’s home. that little brick house with the lopsided porch and falling apart garage and the basement where i hide from the world, is my parent’s house. it’s not my house. it’s their home.
and when people run, they don’t tend to look back..
i’m at that point where i’m so sick of finals. they’re a joke in high school, but they’re such a big deal in college. my japanese final grade will either pass or fail me for that class. and i’m stressed out. i never leave my room except to eat and i’m getting cabin fever. i’m going to kill someone.
pandora is the only thing keeping me sane and i only have 4 hours of it left. i’m going to shoot someone. finals make me angsty and i just want it to be the beginning of the semester where i can not do homework until an hour before my class and get away with it. where i can go out dancing all night and come back and have intense DCs with lyss and ricky. i just want to get this over with.
it’s so easy to just hide in your bed and pile on the blankets. some of us will even watch a bollywood movie and cry. furiously. because they miss home, but they miss a home that never existed. a home that’s in their minds, a home that will never exist, no matter how fondly they look back at the inappropriately timed memories that will never seem to come to life.
i want to far, far away.
but finals are here. and it’s time to knock out the anthro student evaluation form and finish my very first semester of classes at new paltz. eek. finals, here i come.
…i think 3 months is an appropriate allocation of time. and i miss the ability to take the subway when it’s OH YOUKNOW. TEN DEGREES OUTSIDE. at least i can be on a warm train for most of my journey. i don’t have to walk to the ends of the earth and back. winter in new paltz makes me wish i drove. or my friends did. i’m so tired of this ghetto public transportation.
rawr, i miss my brooklyn. and my five boroughs.only 11 more days.
i went for a walk on sunday. a three hour walk in the flurries. the snow wasn’t sticking when i started walking, but by the end my walk, there was a thin layer of ice and pretty snow on the ground. it was a really weird walk. i guess it’s because i’m used to my walks in brooklyn. the walks there are provoking, they make me think of things i associate with whatever i’m seeing. the pizza place makes me think of spending hours there after school and all that nonsense.
but here, the walks are different. i walk around campus a lot more than i thought i would. even in the freezing weatherrr. it’s crazy, but i love it. i love long walks around campus. it’s because it’s more rural than i’m used to. there’s no one around. i can walk where i want to. i don’t have weave in and out of a crowd and i don’t have to worry about being raped. as long as i’m on campus, i feel genuinely safe.
i’m going to be taking more of these walks. they clear my head and make my anxiety go away. i can honestly say i would have flipped out on bren had i not gone for that three hour walk. by the end of it, my calves hurt so much that i didn’t have the energy to be mad. i just collapsed in bed and passed out.
because all i know is that there isn’t anything for me to write when i’m happy. i never write poetry when i’m happy. not to say i don’t write happy poems. some of my stuff has happy undertones. but i realized that i have to be in some kind of emotional turmoil to have to put something on paper. and it can’t be that awkward blah feeling either. because if i’m blah, i get writer’s block.
there’s a reason i will never sell anything. it’s because all of it comes from misery. it’s undependable. there’s only so much a person can be miserable.
but sometimes i think i’m more miserable than other people.
give me what i want, regardless of how it makes you feel.
selfish? no. you need to prove something to yourself, then go ahead. you should’ve kept your feelings to yourself then. because you started something that neither one of us can let go. let’s pray it doesn’t get awkward and make me wish i’d never met you. even though i’m falling as we speak.