weeellll, not really. my body aches, i’m so thirsty no matter how many glasses of water i drink, and i fear there’ll be a heatwave. please god, no. i was lucky to be out of the first blackout in… 04? idk. that one. i was in pakistan, living it up. ;] but this time. i fearrrrrrr. there’s something romantic about blackouts. now, only if i had a boyfriend to share it with. ;o
on to other news. decided not to room with anyone from tele. because i want to branch out, i want to test my limits and i want to just. find myself. not be stuck with the same people who i just spent four years avoiding. like. i avoided you for a reason. so i’m getting a roomate assigned. eeeek! we’ll see how that goes.
on to other news. my feet are filthy. i hate that. they’re covered in dirt and grass and they ache. understandable considering i walked about three miles today. :] ay, it was all worth it. today was one of those days. those lay-in-the-grass-and-just-converse-quite-randomly days. like phineas and ferb’s do nothing day. amazing show, btw. disney’s just getting on their shit right now.
i’m pleasantly satisfied right now. i’ve had one of the best days of this week. i’m full of food and i plan on sleeping until i’m later awakened. the insomnia has kinda been conquered. lets just say, it’s not ruling my life anymore. i’m actually tired nowadays! shockerrrr.
"What did it feel like, I wondered, to love someone that much? So much that you couldn’t even control yourself when they came close, as if you might just break free of whatever was holding you and throw yourself at them with enough force to easily overwhelm you both." — Sarah Dessen (This Lullaby)
sarah dessen’s always been one of my favorite authors. for her sheer ability to put into words, the very things that i feel. it’s like she’s in my head. haha, scary, no? and i can say perfectly, that she’s right. sometimes love does some crazy stuff to people. like say, oh. saying things you know you shouldn’t. that you know will never leave the fragile bond between the two of you and the satellite that’s projecting his voice into your eardrum. but you say things anyway. things that you’ve never told anyone.
enough. i sound so damn philosophical. it’s driving me crazy. suffice it to say. that i’ve never been this happy at someone else’s extent. and i feel hella guilty. because i know its wrong. but sometimes we do things that are wrong. and its my last intention to hurt anyone. but i fear that i will.
can we just not ever talk about it again? we did it, it’s over. hurray.
moving on. packing. so here’s my list. obviously, i need to start getting more stuff.
medicine, clothes, pictures of family and friends, clothing iron, hair dryer, soap/shampoo/detergent, bed stuff, cutlery, nail polish remover, stamps, books, laundry basket, pillows, sleep mask, postcards, posters, a lamp, a stereo, alarm clock, a UPC extension cord, and school supplies.
i’m kinda divided on the whole condom issue, to be honest. like, i’m not going to college with the intent of having random mindless escapades. i know i won’t need them. bu then again, i do know i’ll be going to parties and all that fun stuff. should i change my mind… i don’t know! a friend of mine told me to bring them in case. (ilyjohn<3) another friend of mine told me that if i had them, i’d be more compelled to use them…i mean i see her point, but its like. uhmm. I JUST DON’T KNOW. \
obviously, i’m really excited. but when i look at what i do have to pack and then i think of the tiny dorm room, i’ll have to SHARE, i’m going crazy.
and then on top of that. i need to find a roomate. ohgod. too much pressure.
and it’s true. we’ve been out of school for. hold up. i wanna count the days. 8 school days. and i went out for 7 of those 8. like a friend of mine, i’m also having trouble sleeping. and i know why. it’s because of college. i had the same problem the summer before i started high school. i was plagued with thoughts about who i would meet, if i would fit in, what i would see, youknow. all that fun stuff.
and now i have the same feeling in the pit of my stomach. a hollow ache. it’s scary. honestly. i’m shit scared. i’ve never been more afraid of anything more. for the first time in my life, i will be alone. on my own. i decide what time to sleep, what time to get up, when to do homework. and that. is so much pressure. and then there’s the added pressure of like. i need to fit in. i need to be happy there. because i fought my parents. every step of the way. we fought for 4 long years and they finally let me go to college. and if i come back home, crying and saying i hate it there. i won’t get support. i’ll get. i told you so.
i need to fit in. and i need to have a good time. and i need to stop thinking about all this stuff. because i know that if i have a free minute, that’s all i’ll be thinking about. so i’ve been keeping busy. a busy person doesn’t have time to thinkk, doesn’t have time to sit there and actually cry because she’s so afraid.
so yeah, i’ve been busy. but you know waht? it catches up with me. when i’m up late, left alone with my thoughts. no tv, music or anything will make the thoughts go away. lol, okay i lied. there’s one thing. late night phone calls. but who’s going to stay up with me on the phone from PM hours all the way to AM. i love my friends, but phone calls that last the entire night. are rare. <3
it’s been a helluva ride. and it’s going to be a hellishly sleepless summer. at least until august 18th.
so dance in the dark was the song playing on my ipod. and while i am an avid supporter of lady gaga, i downloaded her entire album, but didn’t have time to sit there and listen to every single thing. and usually, my songs are on shuffle. so i hadn’t sat there and seriously listened to it. and i did today.
and it’s totally me. since i grew up in a mainly pakistani household, dance is not something i’m good at. but i know i can kinda wing it. i’m not the best dancer out there, but i’m pretty sure that i can hold my own. the thing is though, i clamp up. a small part of me is like. you’re not good enough. you’re an impostor. this isn’t your culture. and taht part needs to shut the fuck up, but it has a hold on me. what can i say? i do shirk from dancing in public. i have to be really comfortable to wanna cross that bridge.
the culture thing really gets to me. it’s like. in the US, everyone’s identified by “Where are you from?” Spanish, Arabic, White, Etc. So in the US, i’m always pakistani. but when i go to pakistan. it’s like. i’m the american chick. even if i’m wearing the same clothes, the same shoes, the same hijaab, it’s all just pretty obvious that i’m the american chick. and that i don’t belong. and that sense of not belonging follows me into certain aspects of american life. like. i know i’m fine. i’m an american. but some things that american kids do, i feel are. WHOA. moments. youknow:? like. i just bought my first pair of shorts. I BOUGHT MY FIRST PAIR OF SHORTS YESTERDAY. i’m 18 years old and have never worn shorts.
Summer is where the girls go barefoot and their hearts are just as free as their toes.
and it’s gorgeous. i’m actually super excited. for me, summer is sedentary. a lot of people end up at the beach, in each others’ pools, and all that fun stuff. i usually end up sleeping all day and staying up all night. for me, summer is endless movies. i watch an insane amount of movies. whatever’s on tv. it’d be easier if we had netflix, but my parents are quite cheap. so i make do with what i have.
summer is movies, popcorn with caramel sauce drizzled on it, the annoying AC sound, family bonding (no matter how reluctant), really loud music, dancing around in your pajamas, cold showers, homemade iced tea, and tons and tons of guitar hero.
i always make these intense plans for summer, but they never really come through. but i always wind up just happy. summer is satisfaction. hopefully, though. since i’m heading off to college, this is a summer of oppurtunities and fun. i’m exctied.
Okay, so maybe the title is a little. Dramatic. But I don’t really care.This is still the beginning. Of a lot of things, actually. Not just my adventures on tumblr, but the beginning of summer, and the rest of our lives. me and almost 299 other kids graduate from high school on friday. can you believe that?
four years of “I hate that bitch,” and “wow, when will this ever be over?” and “i love you guys, but i can’t wait for the rest of my life to start,” are finally over. we’re all high school seniors. on the brink of college. and “the rest of our lives.”
but i feel like i’m the only one who’s afraid. everyone’s all like. i can’t wait to get the hell out. and a small part of me is the same way. but a bigger part of me is like. i don’t want to leave! i know tele. i know the teachers, the hallways and all that jazz. college means. new people, new way of life, new. everything. and i don’t like change. while i’ve been looking forward to it, i kinda hate it now that its here. yes, i’ll be a college student in less than 8 weeks. but i worked my ass off to get to being a senior, and now it’s like. WHAM. another four years before i get to enjoy these things again. i worked four years to get to the top and now we’re back to the bottom.