“you’ve turned into that person we always said we were gonna be in college. and i applaud and love you for it, even if you do find true love, even if you do walk away, even if you do find yourself before you find it.”—
and this is one first i will hopefully never forget. it was so unlike me, and so different but it felt pretty great. i’m letting go of my inhibitions and doing the impulsive thing. and he was really sweet about it. not to mention the starwars thing. ah, i’m excited. just don’t want it to be awkward.
parties here are weak. weakkkk. and i’m not catherine cruz. i don’t drink every day all day. but i want to go out and have a good time. not get blackout drunk, but get a buzz going, dance with my friends and have a good time. but there’s so much shit i have to do. emerging leaders thing to mohawk moutain next weekend. trying to get out of it, but it’s mandatory.
all i know is, i’m craving brooklyn right now.
ah, it’ll probably be in two weeks. i can’t wait though, i get to see all my boos again.
things are complicated. it’s like part of me is super confused and part of me is super certain. i know i want to be here right now. but i know brooklyn is home. it’s where i’m going to end up. i even know which apartment, which building, etc. i have my whole life mapped out, after these 4 years. but it’s these 4 years that are supposed to be the best time of my life. it’s confusing. i’m confused. do you ever want some years to just swim right by, and not care about experiencing them? i want the memories and stuff. but i don’t want to do it. i’m tired of school. i’ve been in school my whole life.
i’ve stopped doing what i love. whether it be from lack of sleep, lack of inspiration, or just diane leaving. she was my inspiration. i think i’m going to find it again. i need to get something down on paper. it scares me when i look in the mirror and its like this is the girl? this is the same girl who used to have this passion and disregard? who used to spend nights on her tar roof, staring at the sky, the paper, the sky, the pen. it’s scary. i don’t share it with anyone, yet i share it with so many people. i guess there’s more to me than i thought.
the scariest thing in the world, is when you think you’ve got yourself figured out. and then out of nowhere, you realize. wait. i don’t even know who i am anymore. i have the same dreams, aspirations, desires and wealth that i always did, but something is changed. something is different. i’ve taken black my djarams back. i’ve stopped trying, but i’ve started. i’m just a mess of confusion and its upsetting.
i thought coming home was a good thing. and in more ways than you can imagine, it was. but it made me realize people’s true nature. i love my family more than words. and they would never treat me the way i’m being treated. it feels like an overdose. way to let things get too far, before you pull right the fuck out. i need a dose of letsforgetreality.
while i’m sad that i’m going back home, i am looking forward to the paltz. to the weekend. i want to get shitwrecked.
i miss you guys. :] i love it at home, but i also miss the long nights we spent staying up and doing nothing, the nights of wastitude, the long conversations. the pear-head, the queef, the sassghan, the meek, and the weinerhands, although begrudingly so.
disgusting bathrooms. i am by no means, a germaphobe. actually, i am. which makes it ten times worse, that the bathrooms. ARE GROSS. we just had a hall meeting and shit went down. i hate dirty people and on top of that, DIRTY GIRLS. we are girls. we need to keep the bathroom clean, because we are the clean species. HELLO.
having that awkward group of people/person that you see EVERYWHERE. why, oh why did i make friends with you? jesus.
lack of brown boys. who the fuck am i going to stare at and drunkenly make out with?
dirty frat boys, who have herpes and/or seduce dumb girls i may/may not be friends with.
having to eat dining hall food. i miss home cooked food.
that’s about it, though. :D
so all in all, i’m having a great time. i just wish that these few things would fix themselves.