“I’m sorry if I’ve made your life more complicated. I’m sorry for a lot of things. But most of all I’m sorry I never got the chance to tell you that, no matter what happens next, I’ll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with you. Even though I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say, was, thank you.”— Carter Webb, In The Land Of Women
sat down today and contemplated what classes to take next semester. i have everything drawn out, i just. am very confused.
i planned to finish my GEs at CUNY Baruch this summer, but it’s irritating me that baruch hasn’t put summer courses online yet. how am i supposed to register for those, and then register for my actual classes next fall. assuming that next fall occurs.
this sucks. i need the freaking state of new york to stop fucking with me. i need to decide what i’m doing with my life and they are not helping.
frustrated and failing japanese. going to bed. thanks for shit new york state.
april, i hope to have you planned the fuck out so i’m not running all over the place, trying to figure out what i’m doing with my life.
wednesday - GET MY LIFE TOGETHER. this entails unpacking, cleaning my closet and maybe doing all the laundry i’ve put off. doing some homework would be nice too. hah. nice.
clean sweep that afternoon. community service, argh.
thursday, pool. friday, shopping, dinner, girls night out. saturday, scuddy night out. sunday, get life together.
for the rest of the monthh!
april 8th - kenny and pardo come visit. shwasted.
april 15th - 18: maybe visit krystal. need to book bus and get ticket back to the grand central.
april 22nd - 25: skip classes and go home.
april 29th - may 1st: westchesterrrr.
looks like all my weekends in april are booked. joy. somewhere between all of that i have to find time to write essays, send my summer application to CUNY baruch, skype&call old friends, take home winter clothes, start packing up for the summer (since that’s going to be hell), pass japanese and finish the application to declare a majorrrrr.
OH AND HOW ABOUT I FIND A JOB? rawr. i really don’t want to end up spending all summer in park slope, sleeping all day and staying up all night. that’s why summer classes were such a good idea. get some GEs out of the way and keep self out of trouble. although, let’s be honest. one science class is really going to keep me out of trouble? i need a job if i have any hopes of not falling back with the same old crowd again. i really don’t need the drama with my parents this summer.
yeah, getting up without licks and kisses will do that to you.
for someone who grew up without them, and thus. should be used to living without them, everytime i get back to new paltz after bing, i always miss the pets. i miss being woken up by their grossly warm tongues and cute little eyes. it’s reassuring to wake up to something alive and happy to see you. not to roll off of your loft bed and stumble around, getting dressed and procrastinating calling your parents.
“I miss the boys who would get protective, who would instinctively piss on whatever they wanted and fight those who have wronged you. They would tread the line of “disgusting male behavior” and “fuck me now.” They would tell masculinity to fuck off and then cup its balls with their big hands, Oh, the contradicktion.”—Ryan O’Connell
is the way i can get away with dressing unconventionally. while there’s a level of unconventionality that is appropriate in new paltz, there’s no place to try new things like the city. it’s a calling, haha.
i never left the house without makeup on, never got weird looks for wearing heels to class, none of that. but coming upstate has me resorting to sweats and moisturizer. no more jeans and heels, just leggings and hoodies. i miss it. i miss dressing up and i miss putting my extensive clothing collection to use.
Suddenly, all I can think about are the things I don't know about him. The things I never had time to learn. I don't know if his feet are ticklish or what his favourite movies are. I don't know if he gazes up at the sky and marvel at the stars like I do, or what shapes he sees in the clouds. I don't know his fears, or what memories he hold closest to his heart.
“If you asked me now who I am, the only answer I could give with any certainty would be my name. For the rest, my loves, my hates, down even to my deepest desires, I can no longer say whether these emotions are my own or stolen from those I once so desperately wished to be.”—Charles Ryder, Brideshead Revisited
“We dated for 2 years. He was the love of my life, and I was his. But we broke up because he was going to college. When he drives 3 hours one night to come see you because you called him crying … that’s love.”—Anonymous
i just want to be able to go home. i want to sit on the couch upside down and read a book. i want to wake up at 2 in the afternoon and eat my mom’s cooking. i want to watch a sad movie with my little sister and cry like a bitch. i want to be called thumbtack, short, faiqer, obnoxious and all the other crazy nicknames. i want to be able to play big sister again. i want to be daddy’s little girl and mama’s confidante. i’d give anything to go back.