i know you’ll never ever read this. and i know that there are still fragments of you imbedded in me. i remember really random moments vividly. that kiss in dunkin donuts when you looked over at me and i knew the people at the next table suddenly knew who we were. the bench where you showed me the level of attentiveness evident in our short lived relationship. if you can call it that. the way i stormed out of bio and ran into you. literally. the way you grabbed my hand under the tables in the library that one time. the way it felt when you told me you’d call. the way you did call. the pictures. the story of you sneaking out late for lost love. the fact that whenever i’m having a bad day, i have tears come to my eyes because i wish more than anything in the world that you were there.
the way i lost touch with my entire world for those six weeks. i stopped hanging out with krystal and naveed and everyone i loved because i knew we only had six weeks. and i wanted to spend every single available minute with you. the way no one knew. so even when i knew that i was walking on the edge there was no one to talk to. because no one had witnessed anything. the way you fell off the face of the earth. i’m still mad at you for that. the fact that even now, i’d drop everything, in an instant if you called and told me where you were.
i’m pissed. yes, i am. but more than that i’m worried. i know you. i knew you. and the aj that i knew would never have left like this if there wasn’t something else going on. i want to know where you are. florida, back in virginia or even on the island. part of me likes to believe that you’re back in brooklyn. that everytime i set foot on this borough, i’m closer to you. but i just want to know. i don’t care if you’re with someone else, if you’re freaking married, if you have kids, i don’t care. i just want to knwo that you’re alive. and happy. i dont’ have the money at my disposal but one day i’ll hire someone to find you. and i promise i’ll never ruin the life i’m sure you’ve built for yourself. because you’re someone’s prince charming. and i’m sure you’ve found her. and i know we lost each other amidst number changes and all that reality. but let’s be honest. what we had was real. and i know it more than you did. or so it seems.
i drove by your town a few weeks ago. i was on my way to washington memorial. and it took every single piece of my being to hold myself together. and when i came home i broke. this summer has been a big set back for me. because when i’m not in brooklyn, i don’t pass by the places we spent so much time. i dont’ have a physical reminder of you.
there are a million things i want to say to you. and i dont’ know if i ever will get to say them. but for now, i just want you to know that i loved you more than i’ve loved any thing else. and i miss you with every fiber of my being. every single piece of me. some day i’ll find you. and i’ll sit down and write a letter to you. because i’m old fashioned and i write everything down. and i’ll send it to you. and for a split second everything will be okay again.
i’d give anything to find you again. anything in the world.
so i woke up early today. aka before 2pm. and now i’m tired. my sleeping schedule is so fucked. got plans again tomorrow. WHAT IS THIS. where did my social life suddenly come from? oh well. good night kids.
rant 007. a collection of thoughts that seem to always attack my mind late at night.
i really think we’re all feeling trapped. this is starting to feel forced. but they don’t know any better. they don’t have the courage to strike out and i can’t blame them for that. they were raised on that. we were all raised to be dependent on you and now you want to kick us to the curb because you want to run away and be your own person. i don’t understand. and it’s never been this bad before. i wish you guys had never gotten married. i really do. you would be happier. but i know that the woman who would’ve gotten stuck with him would not have turned out better for the wear. i want to say i miss things back when everything was okay. but i think back to my earliest memory. and nothing was ever okay. things have been falling apart since day two of marriage. i feel trapped, i feel like i’m suffocating here. and when i’m not here i feel guilty that i’m not here supporting everyone who IS suffering. i feel like this will never end.
and you. you don’t look at me the way you used to. we haven’t hung out in forever. but. you. i don’t know. and you were preoccupied. your eyes used to light up when you saw me and now you just. look away after too much eye contact. i’m scared that i’ll lose you. and that brings out the catty personality i’m trying to hide behind. it’s been forever and i really hope things aren’t changing. then again, this is what i pushed you towards.
my fear of commitment is never going to go away, i feel like. i just don’t want to turn into my parents. i just don’t want to have been married for 20 years and go seven weeks without speaking except for interim shouting matches. i dont’ want my kids to feel this awkward tension. and i will not blame them. i don’t think i’m built for relationships. i don’t think i’m built to spend my life with anyone. i think i’m going to wind up alone. and i think i’ve known that forever. i think i’ve known that since i was a kid.
i’m scared. and i feel like i’m doing this by myself. and no, you can’t say you understand, and you can’t say you’re sorry. because you don’t get it. and the only three people who do get it don’t even know that the world our parents built for us is crumbling down day by day.
this could very well be why i randomly just want to be alone and revel in my angst. story of my life.
Often used to describe depression in psychological disorders, dysphoria is general state of sadness that includes restlessness, lack of energy, anxiety, and vague irritation. It is the opposite of euphoria, and is different from typical sadness because it often includes a kind of jumpiness and some anger. You have probably experienced it when coming down from a stimulant like chocolate, coffee, or something stronger. Or you may have felt it in response to a distressing situation, extreme boredom, or depression